I saw, or we saw, some mockups of Coming & Crying laid out today and it was very overwhelming. I don’t even write about this on the Internet because I am not sure where to begin? Also it means too much and I have no critical distance. I know. I didn’t even pay anyone to help me realize that; not in any traditional sense, anyway.
The book looks fucking good, I might add. Damn fucking good. Seeing my name laid out all book-like is new and surreal. I have never been in a book and you might say this one doesn’t count but to me it counts much more.
We printed out pages with different LEADING which is pronounced like LEAD like LEAD PAINT as Peter and Jacob were very excited to tell me about 3x each as I continued to mispronounce it and squint at the pages, trying to tell the difference between 14 and 14.5. 14 what, you might ask, but I couldn’t tell you except that 14.5 won. That means there will be more space between the lines for us to underline and circle and draw little hearts and OMGs, which is my favorite thing about books and why I don’t want them to ever end.
Seeing my story all laid out all book-like makes me instantly see every word that should be changed as if my brain is connected to the Platonic ideals of all sentences and all possible stories. I imagine I am taking some philosophical liberties here but in some superstitious, secret, stupid part of me I believe in that—that the perfect sentences are out there. I think fucking Katie Holmes said that to Michael Douglas in this movie tonight, even, which is beyond appropriate, excuse me while I jump out this window, et cetera.
Anyway it is ALL WRONG, my story, but I am comforted by the fact that at least three different of ‘my’ writers said the same thing about their stories when I emailed them with a Final Pass (Melissa and I kind of split the book in half and have teams; hopefully one day we will compete against each other in a three-legged race or something else less entendre-y in some way I don’t even understand).
God damn I want to punch my story in the face. But it is still good; not perfect but good. You’ll like it I think.
When I was home for this wedding, I met one of my mom’s good friends and she said that my mom knew she wouldn’t like all of the book but that she was really excited to read it. I think that was when I realized my mom might read my story.
Maybe I will glue the last few pages of it together. Not in a WINNNK way. In a literal way.
My new apartment has a fake fireplace and exposed brick and the sink has a soap dispenser built into it. The camera on my phone is broken so you’ll just have to trust me that it is empty, but nice.