Here is how the first conversation went.

Me: Hey you guys.

Mom: Hey.

Dad: Hey.

Me: I got asked to be in an anthology!

Them: What! That’s great news!

Me: Yes! It’s an anthology about the human experience!

Mom: Wow…that’s so exciting.

Dad: Really? What about the human experience?

Me: Some of the parts of the human experience that you and I don’t often chat about!

Them: [dead silence]

Me: It’s a non-fiction sex anthology! Now don’t say anything yet.

Dad: That sounds cool!

Me: Wait, excuse me.

Mom: Can we have a copy? What are you going to write about? Oh, this is just great!

Me: Now I know you probably have concerns…

Dad: Wow, a book!

Me: Dad. It’s a sex book. Mom. Hello. Non-fiction sexy-time book writing. Now before you protest, let me —

Mom: Oh, stop that. Who cares.

Dad: Don’t be a prude. You’re not writing for your parents. Chill out.

Me: Well, it’s called Coming & Crying.

Mom: That’s funny!

Dad: L-O-L!

Me: Okay, this went better than I thought. I’m going to go tell Peter.

Mom: Yeah, sure!

Dad: [to my mom] It’s like she thought we’d be uncomfortable. I mean, we read her blog. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Mom: Ha ha ha.

[they laugh at me as I hang up, confused]

This is how the second conversation went:

Me: I have some good news, and I have some complicated news!

Peter: Ooh, good news!

Me: I’m writing for an anthology!

Peter: That’s great! What about?

Me: Oh, just some non-fiction, nothing fictional at all. Just about, you know…well, it’s called Coming & Crying.

Peter: You’re not going to write about me, are you?

Me: No, I felt like that would be a little too weird.

Peter: You’re not writing about someone else, are you?

Me: Strictly speaking no, not anybody in particular.

Peter: What’s the complicated news?

Me: That was the complicated news.

Peter: Oh. Can I get a copy?

Me: Why aren’t you squirming uncomfortably?

Peter: Why should I squirm?

Me: I just want to make sure that you understand that the “coming” refers to —

Peter: Tess.

Me: Okay. So you know that when they say “coming” — I’m just saying this so I make sure you understand that what I’ll be writing about is —

Peter: Tess. Why are you being such a prude?

Me: So it’s perfectly fine for me to write about this.

Peter: You can write whatever you want!

Me: [really?] Oh, right, yeah, of course I can.

This is how the third conversation went:

Me: Hi Pam.

Pam: Hi.

Me: Good to see you here for a dinner of salad.

Pam: Let’s have some wine!

Me: You might want a lot of wine.

Pam: Why?

Me: Because…(bracing myself, talking fast) so like okay so I’m writing for this book and I didn’t ask your permission first so I changed your name, don’t worry about me having changed your name, which I did, but — let’s order wine.

Pam: You can’t start something like that and then make me wait for wine.

Me: Or can I? [we wait in silence for the wine. I wait as Pam drinks, pausing after each sip to let me talk except I won’t until the glass is empty and another has been poured] Okay?

Pam: That was a lot of wine.

Me: You’re in a story in a sex anthology and there’s nothing you can do about it because I sent it already.

Pam: Oh, sweet!

Me: Pam, don’t freak. Look. We were really young and nobody will know it was you. Except Lucy, if she reads it, she’ll know it’s you.

Pam: I don’t talk to Lucy anymore, she weirds me out.

Me: Great, then only you and I will know. And I have like a hundred friends named Pam so there’s some ambiguity. But let me buy you dinner. I feel horrible. I should have asked you first.

Pam: Oh, shut up, who cares. Can I get a copy of the book?

Me: Here’s what I did: I tried to keep you in mind as a reader. I tried to set boundaries. But I kind of ended up saying “fuck the boundaries.” I’m infinitely sorry. Maybe I can buy you a cashmere throw or something. God, I’m sorry.

Pam: What’s the matter with you? What’s the book called?

Me: Coming & Crying. 

Pam: Ha! That’s a great name!

Me: Forgive me Pam!

Pam: You’re coming off as strangely prudish. I don’t get you.

Me: I’m only prudish in retrospect.

I’m really excited for this book. It’s the first time I’ve been in a book. It’s the first time I’ve written non-fiction about sex. I’m glad my first was with two ladies I really trust.

(via tesslynch)