HALLE KIEFER

I’m not saying that internet dating is a bad idea but yes, yes, of course I am, I’m saying that internet dating is a nightmarishly terrible idea. I’m sure plenty of people have really great reasons for doing it (agoraphobia, living on an oil rig) but most people are using online dating sites when they really should be trying to fix whatever is compelling them to use dating sites (abject despair, grad school). Which is how I found myself in the kitchen of a sweltering railroad apartment in the lap of a guy I didn’t know all that well, a satyr of man with a bike and bottles of prescription drugs that he didn’t actually need and an ass that looked like two balloons held aloft by two strings, and if you followed the strings they stretched all the way up to heaven, where the ends were being held by God himself, and God is winking at you. He was clever and vaguely dangerous and powerfully beautiful. We sat in his kitchen, my head on his chest and the summer heat and smell of Marlboro Menthols and the sharp smell of his t-shirt worn for days on end made me cross-eyed with lust, loopy with lowered inhibitions. I closed my eyes and we kissed. He pulled back and smiled, rubbing his hands along my back as he said, “Hey, did I mention that I got bit by a dog last week?”

Halle is a writer and comedian born outside in Cleveland and currently living in Brooklyn. She writes for The Awl, performs improv with her team Blood Money and has a weekly video series with comedian Jess Burkle. Read her insane ramblings at mustanghalle.tumblr.com

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